People expect entirely too much from me.
I feel like I constantly put in all the effort I can physically handle, yet I reap no reward whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for compliments or a pat on the back, but I just feel less and less appreciated, which leads me to wonder why I even bother doing anything at all. My biggest defeat might be the fact that I am a perfectionist, and I simply cannot leave it up to others to make decisions that reflect poorly on me, so I sit in quiet anguish and continue to do everything myself with little assistance from others. I'm not saying I don't receive any help at all, but in the grand scheme of things, people come up with ideas that cannot be executed in the slightest by three or four people and leave it at that: a mess for someone, me, to clean up. I wish people cared. Or maybe I wish I didn't care in the first place. I don't know what it is like to sit back, relax, and let others plan everything, but I'm sure every once in a while, it would be a nice change. I'm getting sick, and it is because I haven't slept over three hours in the past four days. I'm sneezing every five seconds, my throat is sore, and I have a constant headache, which is only worsened by the self-proclaimed braniacs in our school. It is non-stop commotion from school assignments, writing articles, memorizing music and lines and facts for tests, not to mention understanding those memorized facts in order to apply them. I want to do my best, I really do, but that seems so far from being accomplished right now.
I want to go back to the ocean on my father's boat. I want to rest beneath the sun, letting the salty atmosphere consume me, while the waves disturb the boat from its resting position because it is plain and simple comfort. I want to hear the water spash against bows and watch the dolphins jump out of the water because it reminds me that life is worth every moment we take forgranted. Being carefree at times is a necessary and uncompromising part of life, and it is seriously lacking in mine. I want everything to be alright even when it seems like it never can be again; I want to be alone for a while.
4 comments:
Awww, Lydia. Take a mental break and encourage people to do their own part. There are people who can do more in the grand scheme of things. You are awesome, but you already know that. And a carefree like is overrated!
I suppose.
Thanks for reminding me of things I have lost touch with.
The sad thing is, it's not encouragement that will prompt people to do something that doesn't directly benefit themselves.
"to do something that doesn't directly benefit themselves"
but everyone does that. even you. i really didn't think some of the stuff you did was for morals.
I never said I wasn't a culprit, and if you are going to attack me on certain things I have done, then don't hide behind anonymous comments because they are quite unfounded in that sense. I don't even know for sure that I know you.
Post a Comment